So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
