I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize