It was confusing and full of hummus
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
