Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
