Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
i think my cat just said my name.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
