come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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