when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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