I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
so much tequila, so little girl.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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