you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
