Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
