we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
