Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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