i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
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