look no pants
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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