i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
