You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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