Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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