Well apparently he's into motor boating.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
