remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
