I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
