I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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