i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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