Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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