he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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