i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
