I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I think your dad took our porno
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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