I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
