I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
