Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
