I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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