He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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