The maid of honor just puked.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
