this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I will pee on everything he values.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
