thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
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I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
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He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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