It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
