glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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