I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
