he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
