shes about as inviting as chlamydia
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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