The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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