Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
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There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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