Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
