I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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