you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
