It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
