i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
