Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
