eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
