Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
