ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
There are leaves in my underwear?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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