At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I FOUND THE LEGS
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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