wakey wakey hands off snakey
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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