My hair reeks of homosexuality.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
