why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
