Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
