i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
