i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
