tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
